


love me in this muted summer

by nutteu



Series: Toast/Sykkuno [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, mentions of corpsekkuno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:33:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29131860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutteu/pseuds/nutteu
Summary: Sykkuno liked Toast because Toast felt right when not so many things in Sykkuno’s life did. A story of college struggles and finding ground in relationship and friendship; a slow fall and negotiation of directions. [Toast/Sykkuno; college au]
Relationships: Sykkuno & Jeremy Wang, Sykkuno/Jeremy Wang
Series: Toast/Sykkuno [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149494
Comments: 37
Kudos: 111





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I finally got roped into toastkkuno and gave my contribution. This is actually a oneshot, but I divide them into two parts for easier read. A fair warning: there is an instance where Sykkuno has panic attacks from separation anxiety. There are also things I ought to mention; I put them in end-notes so if you don't want to be spoiled, read ahead. English isn't my first language and I made this in six hours so pardon the rush.
> 
> As always, this is a fiction, inspired by their online personas. Don't mention this to them, and I'll take it down if they ever mentioned or feel uncomfortable by this. Happy reading!

* * *

College had always been a struggle for Sykkuno. Not only because of the increasingly difficult course loads, and how Sykkuno secretly had an ambitious streak a mile wide. Connecting with other people was simultaneously easier and a lot harder in college, and Sykkuno was forever grateful that his circle of friends generally understood that he was a bumbling mess when it came to normal human interactions.

Sykkuno stuttered and stammered his responses, too shy to look at people in the eye, and was never decisive about what he wanted to eat or whether he wanted to join their night outings to clubs. Rae tried the hardest, amongst them all. She pulled and picked Sykkuno’s walls apart, in a surprisingly pleasant way though he wasn’t always ready for them. Rae understood his behavior and tells, back off when she had to, pushed when she saw an opening. She made him comfortable in her brashness and loud affection, and he had always considered her one of his closest friends. It also helped that she was the first of the few he had.

“Talk back to people, Sykkuno,” she told him. “I enjoy their surprised face. Always hilarious to see. Come on, make my shitty week better.”

And then Sykkuno would stammer out a, “John, y-y-you donut,” and Rae would laugh hysterically when John looked at him with scandalous face and dramatically placed hand on his chest.

“ _Excuse me_?” he sassed back, and Sykkuno would cover his mouth and laugh under the protective barrier of his fingers.

Rae invited him along to lunches and dragged him along whenever she made new friends. Most of Sykkuno’s friends were hers; some he kept close, some he felt enough to know as acquaintances only. He couldn’t be possibly expected to keep up with so many people at once. He liked Lily, though. He liked her sweet voice and her cunning way of getting people to do what she wanted under the bat of her eyelashes. She could be smothering sometimes, and very nosy—just like Poki—but Sykkuno liked them enough to keep their contacts on his ‘Friends’ list in his phone.

He liked Jack, and Ludwig, and Ash, and their way of easing Sykkuno into affections by complimenting him on small things that he thought they’d never noticed. It was nice, to know that Jack liked his smiles and was always thoughtful with his words; that Ludwig would exaggerate the way he professed his undying love and admiration for Sykkuno; that Ash found his presence enjoyable enough to chatter nonstop when they met, inviting him for games on some occasion.

He liked Corpse and his wheezed out laughter at everything Sykkuno did, even if he couldn’t stop the blushes and stutters when he teased him. Corpse found him endearing and flirted with him, hard, and coupled with his voice that always had a knack to make Sykkuno weak on the knees, it wasn’t hard to imagine flinging himself across the room and kissed him silly. He wouldn’t, though. Corpse seemed like the type of someone who would do an intimate, serious relationship once he was comfortable. Sykkuno wasn’t ready for that at all.

Toast came around a little later.

“Do you like the jeans,” he said. Toast didn’t ask when he had predicted the answers. With Sykkuno, it was even easier. Out of everyone, Toast had always known which questions Sykkuno would answer with long, stringing words with no conclusion; which ones he wouldn’t immediately reply to, keeping his thoughts until he could answer with confidence.

This time, he had finally given in to Rae’s invitation to the club. When he tried to make flimsy excuses of not owning proper attire to go to a club, Toast literally told him to ' _shut the fuck up_ ' and bought him a new pair of ripped jeans that hugged Sykkuno’s thighs a little too tight, along with a black, deep V-neck shirt that made Sykkuno went red. They were the number one cliché club outfits. He didn’t have enough muscle to pull off that type of clothes, he said to Toast.

“No,” Toast said as he looked at Sykkuno with sharp eyes, silently glaring him into submission. “But you have nice neck and collarbones and Rae said to dress you up like you wanted to get fucked against the wall tonight.”

“Jesus, Toast!” he cried out, face immediately covering his heating face. “R-Rae told you that?” He couldn’t believe her; he would have to give her a long, detailed lecture why Sykkuno would never fit into those kinds of aesthetics. He would die from panic and nervousness before he could even _think_ about flirting with someone.

Toast shrugged. “That’s the gist of it.”

He contemplated the clothes on his hand. They were new, it would be a shame and incredibly rude to not wear them. But… he didn’t think that he’d be comfortable enough to—to look like he wanted to get—oh, Jesus H. Christ, Sykkuno wasn’t awake enough for this.

“I, uh… I’ll just wear my sweater, I think,” he said, already moving to his wardrobe. It’s okay, he’d still wear the jeans and Rae would have to accept the sweater. It wasn’t that bad. People wore that kind of thing to the club all the time, right?

Except, this time, Toast leaned back on his bed and said, “I want you to look like you’re looking to get fucked against the wall.”

_Oh_.

He wore both the shirt and the jeans and fidgeted with the exposed skin of his thighs. They weren’t toned enough, and some patches were darker than the others because he wore shorts in the summer. He walked Bimbus a little bit after 4pm, but the sun still did its job on tanning several parts of his usually covered skin.

Toast looked at him with unreadable eyes and didn’t talk to him as he drove the group to the nearest club. He didn’t look away when Sykkuno caught him staring at the bar. That was enough to make him less unsure about his attire, strangely enough. He didn’t get fucked against the wall that night, despite Rae’s high hopes. But Toast sat next to him on the bar, and sipped his drink as he listened to Corpse flirting with Sykkuno— a coping mechanism from their collective nervousness about being in public, crowded places. He thought that Toast understood his friends more than he let on.

Sykkuno wasn’t drunk enough by the end of that night to have some disastrous sex with Toast as he helped him get out of his clothes, but Toast still kissed him in the bathroom after Sykkuno brushed his teeth with great difficulty. He insisted that Sykkuno cleaned up. “You wouldn’t want to feel like something died in your mouth come morning,” he had reasoned, and Sykkuno agreed.

It was a gentle kiss, almost chaste. But Toast crowded him against the sink and kept kissing until Sykkuno let out an embarrassing whine. He stopped then, and said, “This isn’t some dramatic confession or something equally deep, Sykkuno. You dressed up nicely tonight and still came home with the designated driver. You deserve a kiss at least.”

It didn’t hurt him as much as he thought. They didn’t talk about it afterwards, though.

Toast was his roommate on the second semester, and Sykkuno breathed a little easier knowing that he’d be staying with someone he was familiar with. He didn’t want a repeat of the first semester, with him and his roommate barely talking and having stilted greetings each morning and night. Sykkuno never warmed up to the guy, and his roommate had never expressed any interest in befriending him either. He had to admit that he was a little guilty by the relief he felt when the guy said he was moving out of the dorm.

Toast was straightforward, but he mulled things over and analyzed his surroundings. He kept all the informations he had and used the knowledge to maneuver the landmines that were college life. He knew which person to team up with in certain classes, which one he would like to talk to when finals were coming; he knew which student would know the latest info about their Uni, and kept strings of contacts for his future internships and jobs.

“You’re pretty awesome, Toast,” Sykkuno said one day, and it almost sounded reverent. He was blushing before he even finished his sentence. It was a sign of confidence, Rae would say, but Sykkuno was a weak, _weak_ person when he had to express his opinion. Even with his friends, it was hard to pry his thoughts that went beyond genuine compliments and minimal input in conversation. This was also a compliment, but Sykkuno felt like he had just imparted a secret.

Toast would keep it, though.

“Finish your assignment, Sykkuno,” Toast said, and kissed him again after he was done.

By the end of the third semester, Sykkuno felt like he was one of Pavlov’s dogs. Toast and he became close friends, just the way Sykkuno did with his current circle. It felt different, somehow. He thought that he would be sentimental about romantic entanglement, but he learned from Toast that it wasn’t always so intense, wasn’t always dramatic. Sykkuno had thought that he would be like Corpse about this kind of thing, but as it turned out, he fell for Toast all the same while still being able to keep the pace their friendship was in. It was a steady fall, almost cold and detached in perspectives, but just as impulsive as any college romance he had ever heard from his friends’ stories and experience.

At times, he wondered if he really was associating his feelings for Toast with detachment. Because Sykkuno couldn’t handle compliment well, and was sensitive about a lot of issues, and cared genuinely about people he held dear to him to be this blasé about liking someone. Whom he had kissed, repeatedly.

But really, it was just Toast and his way of handling Sykkuno like he was his own person who was strong enough to stand on his two feet. All of his close friends, they all loved him without pretense, he was aware of this. But in a way, they were very gentle and at times babying. They took their time with him and patiently nurtured his confidence and trust. Toast was careful with his feelings, too, but he pushed Sykkuno to a limit that he alone could see. He cut Sykkuno’s pandering and made him face the conversation, made him pay attention and learned to answer quicker, be more decisive. Toast waited for him when it mattered, but he would leave without remorse if Sykkuno kept running away from answering properly.

It kept him on his toes, and it trained him to be more attuned to what Toast wanted and expected from him. The way that Toast understood and noticed the smallest detail in Sykkuno’s behavior and habit, his feelings and signs of thoughts he couldn’t express. Toast was pretty cutthroat, but he rarely ever hurt Sykkuno and meant it. He did say some nasty things when Sykkuno wasn’t careful on his bad days. He apologized afterwards, on things he knew he should be apologizing for, but let Sykkuno learn that some people really wanted to be left alone instead of crying and talking their hearts out. Just because Sykkuno felt bad and tried to help, didn’t mean the other party was responsible for accepting it. Helping was a good thing to do, but it wasn’t always the case in every problem. He accepted and learned from it too, and for that, Toast kissed him again.

Every milestone that reached the bar Toast set, he kissed Sykkuno as a reward. He didn’t even know what he did, most of the time, just that he had done something good enough to be worthy of being kissed against the bathroom wall, the bed, the door, the small window where anyone could see and nearly gave Sykkuno a heart attack even if he leaned back into the kiss. He asked, once.

“I’m not telling,” Toast said. “I don’t want you to set the definition of something good and praise-worthy by my standard. You keep doing it on your own pace, and let me do it on my own.”

It was mind-boggling in a way, that Toast could predict how Sykkuno would react and what action he would take on certain matters. It made things easier, but Sykkuno couldn’t help the instinctive tilt of his head when he did something and Toast would look at him with raised eyebrows. Sometimes he kissed him for that, other times he just sighed and went back to whatever he was doing at the time. It disappointed him for a while, but he figured out that it was actually better that way. Sykkuno would always seek out people’s approval in a way or another, and Toast wasn’t responsible for that fixation, but he learned slowly that the first approval he needed was from himself. If Toast didn’t kiss him for completing his essays in a difficult class with flying colors, then he would give himself a pat on the back and buy that one video game he had been eyeing for months or just simply let himself sleep early on the crazy study nights near the finals.

Ultimately, he still harbored kinship with Pavlov’s dogs. It was ridiculous and he wasn’t about to tell Toast _that_ , but he thought that maybe Toast understood it already.

So, yeah, college was a struggle, but in the journey of navigating classes, social life, his roommate, and his personal life, Sykkuno had learned a lot of things as well. That was a lot more than he had expected in his first semester, and he wondered if Toast would agree and kiss him for two hours before he left to continue his 12-am deadline assignment.

* * *

Sykkuno stared at the phone number scrawled on a piece of sticky notes on the café table, and blushed bright red to his root. Rae was hooting already, attracting attention to them. Ludwig gave him winks and nudges his sides; Ash was busy eating her lunch, bless her appetite. He didn’t need more teasings.

Toast, however, had different thought on the mater. “Wow, Sykkuno,” he drawled. “And to think that you keep saying girls aren’t into you.”

“W-well,” he started, already knowing a losing battle but pushing through nonetheless. “They _are_ not into me. She—she’s probably just joking, a-and will run away once she found out that I’m a loser.”

“ _Liar_ ,” Toast replied easily, eyes alight with unholy glee. It seemed that he enjoyed this rare moments of Sykkuno’s delicate spring time of life.

“If you’re that convinced girls aren’t into you, I know some guys who are, Sykkuno.” Ludwig was bright-eyed and very serious as words poured out from his mouth. Sykkuno was about ready to terminate his friendship contract with them all.

“Yeah,” Corpse, unexpectedly, joined in the fray. “I know some too.”

“Ooh,” Rae narrowed her eyes at him, smile dangerously close to manic grin. “Someone is _popular_.”

He heaved a sigh and sunk into his seat, pulling down his hood and hoping that the floor would swallow him whole. Next to him, Toast laughed so heartily that Sykkuno almost felt less bad about him being the butt of the joke.

“Seriously,” Ludwig said. “I’ve never seen you date anyone. People flirt with you left and right, and none of them pull through? You’re something else, Sykkuno.”

He peeked from the protective shell of hands, and frowned. “People don’t flirt with me.”

“I do,” Corpse piped up, and it got Rae cackling again as Sykkuno spluttered on his seat. “I regularly flirt with you. I lost hope when you haven’t asked me out yet by our third semester, though.”

“Such a heartbreaker,” Toast said, too close to his ear.

Sykkuno nearly jumped from his seat, warm breath hitting his skin. Toast’s hand on his shoulder prevented that. He didn’t think his friends would think too much of it, but Ash and Rae were sitting across them, and they were more perceptive than people gave them the credit for. He chuckled nervously and didn’t push Toast away. Maybe they’d read into it, maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe Sykkuno wouldn’t mind if they did.

The hand stayed through the rest of the lunch, and Sykkuno thought that a little dent on his lunch money was a good trade to feel Toast’s hand patting his arm, and the warmth of him as they were pressed side to side.

“Such a heartbreaker,” Toast said later on, too close to his ear. Sykkuno snuggled up against him as they watched an illegally streamed TV series.

The laptop was sitting precariously on the pillow, a little bit tilted to the side, but Sykkuno was too comfortable to move. Toast was warm and soft. He had only starting to get serious about hitting the gym lately. Enough to form muscles on his arms, but not enough to properly shape up his abdominal muscles. Sykkuno would poke his stomach and Toast would slap his hand away, sometimes a little too hard. He kept the reddening mark close to him. Just reminders that he got close enough to be able to do that, albeit with consequences.

“I would never,” Sykkuno said with a smile. It was easier to stomach the teasings when they were alone in the small dorm room.

“I’ll have to ask Ludwig and Corpse who those friends are,” Toast said, and Sykkuno felt warm butterfly in his tummy. What a great way to start a misunderstanding amongst their friends.

Jack had caught on to their… situation, but he had always had a knack of knowing things long before the others noticed. He didn’t say anything about it, but he did give Sykkuno a knowing smile when he suddenly visited their room to borrow Sykkuno’s notes. He had hastily, and with great reluctance, pulled away from Toast when Jack called at their door. He was pretty sure he didn’t have time to wipe his spit shiny lips.

“Yeah,” he replied. “You do that, and m-maybe I’ll see if they’re cute enough to flirt with.”

“Ooh, Sykkuno, hit me with that confidence,” Toast said with a flat tone as his eyes glued back to the screen. He did pat Sykkuno’s thighs, though. So he must have meant it.

After some time, he reached for the laptop and click pause. It was late enough, and both of them had morning classes today. Sykkuno didn’t want to take morning classes, at all. But he needed that class for specialized courses in the future. Toast was just a beast in his single-minded focus of achieving the highest grades. His father had high hopes, and Toast carried that out with such seriousness that was at odd end with his laid back behavior. It also made Sykkuno’s growing hero-worship of Toast worsen. Just the teeny-tiniest bit.

“Corpse meant it,” he suddenly said after they lay back on Toast’s bed. The lights were turned off already, and Sykkuno turned to feel for his face with his fingers. “He told me that you deflected all of his flirting and his attempts to date you. Still likes you as a friend, you’re nice and calming to be around, he said.”

He didn’t know why Corpse told Toast, of all people. They bantered as often as Corpse flirted with him. Maybe because he saw how hopelessly enamored Sykkuno was with Toast, despite them literally having zero intimate contacts in public. He was surprised that he could have that restraint, honestly. But then again, he approached this situation with Toast with a lot more level-headedness than he thought he possessed to begin with.

“He’s a good guy, very cool,” Sykkuno decided after Toast grabbed his hand and held it between them. “He’s nice to be around, too. I think he understands than most, about- about my anxiety and worries.”

He felt Toast nodded, his hair brushing against his forehead. “Yeah, he does.”

He didn’t say anything after that, and then, Sykkuno leaned in blindly for his lips. Toast indulged him, and pressed him on the mattress as their lips slid against each other; his tongue entwining with Sykkuno’s in a slow dance that made him breathless. He liked the feeling of Toast’s weight on him, holding him secure with calloused hands and controlled touches. They never had sex, never went past making out and a little bit of touching. They never even jerked each other off. He wanted to, _oh Gods he did_. But he didn’t mind with this, too.

It wasn’t something so dramatic, wasn’t something equally deep. It was as simple as giving rewards for dressing up nice, and indulging Sykkuno once in a while. He liked it. He didn’t feel rushed or panicking at the pace of whatever it was they were having. Toast could come out clean tomorrow and said that he wasn’t interested in Sykkuno and he would accept that. Maybe he wouldn’t, if Toast was just stringing him along purposely, but he wouldn’t do that to Sykkuno. Crushes or not, he knew that Toast wasn’t that kind of person.

They ended up almost late for their morning classes, and Toast grumbled into the white bubbles around his mouth as they brushed their teeth. But Sykkuno kept a small hickey a little further down his clavicle, and felt content for the rest of the grueling day.

* * *

It was a stressful week for Toast. His family called this morning, and he spent the call with a severe frown on his face. Sykkuno touched his shoulder and went to his afternoon classes with uneasiness in his stomach. He couldn’t even finish his lunch. He was worried sick, but he knew that Toast would handle it. He wouldn’t want Sykkuno to crowd him and giving incessant offer for helps. He would come to him in his own time.

It still didn’t stop him from sitting next to him after he came back that evening. Toast was strung tight; it was a matter of time before he snapped.

Sykkuno had never smoked around his friends before. He always did it alone, didn’t want to share the toxic smoke with anyone else. But Toast knew about the cigarettes he kept in his drawer. He didn’t comment on it, but occasionally he would sit next to him, just like now, and let Sykkuno leaned his head on his shoulder. He said, he didn’t mind the smoke. Sykkuno wasn’t sure, but Toast was warm, and they had to open the window to let the smoke out, so it was a little chilly. He didn’t smoke as often as he did back then, but it was still often enough to make his other friends worry if they knew.

Tonight, he offered his cigarettes and Toast took the one already lit on his fingers. It really was that bad, Sykkuno deduced.

“You have multiple tattoos scattered all over your body, and you smoke. You kiss your roommates without telling your friends, and you still refused Poki when she invited you for some edibles,” Toast said after a lungful of nicotine. He winced a little at the taste, and Sykkuno threw him an apologetic glance. He used to be a heavy smoker; his preference in cigarettes was a bit high on the nicotine, and it carried on until now.

“I don’t—I don’t like the feeling of losing control like that,” he said.

“You got so drunk that one time after finals, threw up all over my textbook,” Toast pointed out.

He shrugged. “Yeah, well. Alcohol didn’t worsen my nightmares. I just passed out. I tried it once and—just—panic attack with vivid imagery is the last thing I want.”

Toast nodded, understanding even in his cold regards. “My dad is sick,” he said then. Sykkuno nearly dropped the cigarette. “They asked me if I can take a semester off to sort out some family matters.”

His dad had been sick for some time. Sykkuno didn’t like to think about what family matters Toast had to take care of, especially considering he was the oldest in his family. Toast thought so too, if the gloomy drop of his shoulders were to be trusted.

“What do you want to do?” he asked, waiting for Toast to inhale the smoke, before taking the stick from his fingers. “What can I do to help?”

Toast didn’t answer him for some time, so Sykkuno finished the cigarette, and fished out for a new one. Toast didn’t share it with him this time. It was okay; he always had a habit of taking a lungful each time he inhaled. He burned through his packets of cigarettes too fast. Nowadays, he bought one for each week, limiting himself as best as he could. On stressing times, he forgot to track it altogether. This was a stressing time.

“I’ve booked a ticket to Canada,” he said, and Sykkuno inhaled deeper. He wanted the smoke to settle in his lungs and ease the restless flutter of his worry.

“When?” he asked.

“In two days,” Toast said, and gently took the cigarette package from Sykkuno’s hand. “No more for tonight, okay? Come on, you need rest.”

They didn’t rest. Sykkuno sat on Toast’s lap and kissed him with desperation that burned his lungs the way his cigarettes did. He pulled at his hair, and Toast’s grip on his hip was almost bruising. He savored the lowly throbbing pain and inched closer for more. There was spit dribbling down his chin, and he thought that their teeth clacked too many times tonight, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t care about anything but the feel of Toast’s lips, the urgent lick of his tongue, the harsh touch he rarely ever allowed upon Sykkuno’s body.

“It’s only for a month,” Toast said against the skin on his neck. He pulled at the hem of Sykkuno’s shirt, and they pulled apart long enough for him to slip it off and throw it somewhere in the dark room. “You’ll wait for me, won’t you.”

Toast didn’t ask when he had predicted the answers. But Sykkuno pulled him up for a kiss, and whispered _I will, of course I will_ , on his lips. Toast wouldn’t push past what they usually did tonight, he could feel it. Maybe he never would. But this stark, raw emotion that Toast presented was more than enough to make Sykkuno feel like he’d been fucked over for hours on end. He felt like a raw nerve, sensitive to the touch. Every pleasure and pain magnified tenfold.

Sykkuno had two bite marks on his left hip, and hickeys on his shoulders. He wore clothing that rarely ever revealed skin more than his forearm, but Toast still marked him on unseen places anyway. It should feel like a dirty secret, but Sykkuno thought that it was more like Toast guarding what they had between them only. He left his own marks on Toast, too, and hoped that it was enough to remind him that there was a piece of Sykkuno laid upon his skin. He slept in his boxers, and let Toast brushed his thumb over the crescent moon on the back of his thigh.

“You never did tell me where you got this one,” Toast said after they had calmed down, laying side by side on Sykkuno’s bed. His cigarette on top of the drawer in plain view.

“Later,” he said. “I’ll tell you when you’re back.”

“Alright,” Toast nodded. “I’ll take your cigarettes with me. Don’t buy another one until I came back.”

A whole month without Toast, or his cigarettes. Toast really wanted Sykkuno off his rocker, and spend all day thinking about him, anxiously waiting for his return. He sighed and agreed still.

The others were visibly surprised when Toast told them, but they held back from saying anything. They understood that Toast wouldn’t want that. They took him to the airport, and Corpse held his hand when Sykkuno’s shoulders shook as Toast went inside without so much as a goodbye wave to him.

“He’ll be back before you realize it,” he said, like he understood. He probably did, considering what Toast told him. Sykkuno nodded and tried to believe.

* * *

It really was bad. Sykkuno had thought that he was getting better with his smoking habit, but two weeks had passed and he had to physically restrain himself from going to the nearest convenient stores and buy a package or two. Toast texted him several times, but they were short and clipped. The rest was total radio silence. Sykkuno wanted to call him so badly. He didn’t know whether it’d be wise to do that.

Ash invited him to play games with her a lot more than usual. He thought that she noticed the way he was rapidly losing sleep, the way his fingers shook whenever he was in crowded places, how he regressed from his hard-earned progress in managing his social anxieties. All in the span of two weeks without Toast by his side. It wasn’t even the cigarettes. It was just his reassuring presence and his deadpanned tone whenever Sykkuno tried to dance around a subject.

“It’s going to be alright, Sykkuno,” she whispered, her accent thick and comforting as Sykkuno shook and tried to regulate his breath. “Slowly,” she said, “breathe with me, alright? Can you do that?”

He couldn’t. His chest was burning from the pain of not having enough oxygen, but try as he might, he couldn’t take more than a lungful of air before panic seized him again and his windpipe felt like it was closing up. Toast wasn’t here, and he probably wouldn’t come back either. Sykkuno really was going to lose him, just the way he lost everyone else in the past. Was he really that useless in keeping things he held dear? Just the thought of not being able to look at Toast and wait for the simple shake of his head whenever Sykkuno was being needy, sent him into another bout of hysteria.

Ash held his hand through it, calling his names in soothing voice, breathing with him and let him cried and cried and cried on her shoulder when he couldn’t take it anymore. It was hard to breath, even more so with his nose clogged up now. He knew that the grip he had on her arms must be painful, but she rubbed his back and let him ride out the worst of it.

“Can you hear my voice?” she asked, and Sykkuno nodded with difficulty. “Good, it’s very good, Sykkuno. It might not feel like it right now, but I promise you can get through this one, yeah? Can you breathe with me again?”

He nodded again, and tried to imitate her pace of breathing. Big inhale, held it for three seconds, let it out. _Again, that’s very good, Sykkuno. One more, okay? Just like that, big inhale, and slow exhale. You’re going to be alright, I promise. Would you like to try again? Yeah? Thank you very much, Sykkuno, you’re doing great, buddy. It’s okay, I’ll keep you safe, just try to breathe again, yeah?_

He listened to her, trying to breathe through his nose, exhale through his mouth, and felt the numbing sensation of detachment come along with fatigue and sense of sadness so deep inside his bones. When he woke up, he cried again and Ash held his hand until he fell back to sleep from exhaustion. He was worried about Ash’s roommate seeing him like that, but he didn’t have the time to panic about that before restless sleep once again claimed him.

“She went to visit her boyfriend,” Ash explained. “I figured you need some time away from people. So I invited you here when she’s gone.”

He nodded mutely, tired and fatigued all over. It had been so long since he had to take his pills; he left them in his drawers. He thought that he ought to take some today. He still had two weeks to go, and Toast had always taught him about recognizing his own limit. He wasn’t wearing any shirt. He felt like he was suffocating in his hoodie, and Ash had too much size difference with him. Her biggest shirt still stretched tight across his chest. He felt like clawing his own skin, but Ash gave him a big mug of hot chocolate to hold onto. It was cooling fast, he hadn’t even taken a sip. Ash reassured him that she was okay with that. They could put it on the mini fridge. It’d still taste good, and Sykkuno latched onto Ash’s unwavering belief that chocolate was the best option for everything, in every situation, in any state.

“I’m—sorry,” he croaked out, his voice felt unused and it sounded broken to his own ears. Ash nodded all the same. It was okay, he didn’t need to repeat it and he didn’t need to spiral into another bout of panic attacks just because his voice wasn’t loud enough.

“Thank you for letting me help you, Sykkuno,” she said. It was more than what he could ever hope for. Sometimes people said certain things that didn’t bode well with his current fragile state of mind. Ash’s words washed over him in soothing wave.

“I missed him,” he suddenly said, and it all tumbled out of his mouth. He figured he’d let it be before hysteria came back for him. “I missed him so much that I feel like I’m dying. It’s—it’s pathetic and it’s too clingy and—and he said that he likes my smile when I don’t cover it, and he kisses me when I did something good, even when I can’t see it myself. He—he— Toast is—“

He choked on his saliva in his haste to let the words out, and Ash handed him a glass of water. She held it when Sykkuno reached for it, slowly tipping it for him. He was grateful for it; he felt boneless and so, so tired. There was a steady thrum on the back of his head, and the streams of thoughts in his mind. They all reminded him about how worthless he really was, how it was ultimately a bad decision on his friends’ part to be with him in the first place.

He knew that those weren’t true, he knew. But the tears fell anyway. It was hard to run from his thoughts and he was too weak to face them properly. Ash put the mug away from his hand then, and replaced it with her palms.

“He has his own problems too,” he said. “I don’t want to add to his burden, but—but I can’t stop thinking that he won’t be back. That something bad happened to his father and he’ll be left alone to deal with the aftermath. I’m scared and I can’t do anything about—“

He cut himself short, suddenly feeling exhausted. There were still too many things he wanted to say, but he had no energy left. Ash guided him to stand up, and he walked with shaky legs to her bed. She ran his fingers through his hair. Sykkuno felt like throwing up. He couldn’t even form coherent thought and he left her hanging in his explanation.

“That was very kind of you to share it with me,” Ash said. “It must have taken a lot to say those. I’m proud that you can say what’s on your mind, Sykkuno. It’s okay, I understand. I know you’re tired and hurting, so rest, alright? Trust me, I understand what you said, so it’s okay. It’s more than enough, okay? You did enough, Sykkuno.”

He nodded, breathing in slowly to keep the bouts of tears at bay. His eyes hurt, he didn’t want to cry anymore. He couldn’t think of anything, couldn’t even keep a tab on his surroundings. His head was becoming empty too fast. He’d be back, Ash said. And Sykkuno wanted to say, no, he wouldn’t. But it wasn’t true. Toast always kept his promises, didn’t he? His thoughts just needed to remember, instead of conjuring worse imageries. He just needed to hold on, and remember that it was alright. It felt like hell right now but he had gone through it last night. He could—he could try again, at least.

“It’s okay to rest now, Sykkuno,” Ash’s voice sounded so far away. Like she was talking through telephone from three lines over; statics and muffled all over. “I’ll be here. You won’t be alone. Rest, alright? I promise I’ll be here.”

He wished Toast would be here, too. He fell asleep with Ash’s voice next to him, trying to believe her words. That it was alright, he was going to be alright. He wouldn’t be alone. It was alright.

* * *

Toast didn’t berate him when he found out. Sykkuno didn’t want to call him, but Ash said that Toast needed to know. That it’d be worse if Toast came back without knowing about this. So he relented. Ash called Toast instead while Sykkuno showered for the first time in two days. He had missed some classes, but Jack was kind enough to send him notes and help with the assignments that seemed to never stop piling up.

He was too tired to do anything other than lay on his bed and listened to the quite scratch of Jack’s scribble. Ash had gone back to her dorm. She hugged her tight, and said that she’d visit him soon after she was done catching up with her works. He felt the guilt started to weigh down his body, but Ash was adamant in reassuring her that she kept tab of her college responsibilities. It wasn’t his fault—she helped him because she wanted to, because she could at the time. She would never force herself and make it worse for the both of them. He nodded, not having enough energy to even hug her back. She was okay with that, too. It didn’t completely convince him, but it was enough to let him breathe a tad easier.

Jack stayed at his room and did his reviewing there. They understood that Sykkuno wasn’t in the condition to be left alone. He was thankful that it was Ash and Jack. He loved all his friends, but Ash had always understood Sykkuno in a different perspective than the others. Jack already knew about Toast and him, and he took care of Sykkuno with careful nudges and soft words spoken in Irish accent. Ash had thick accent too, he remembered, and smiled for the first time in a while.

“What are you smiling about?” Jack asked. He wasn’t as loud as he usually was. There was a small smile playing on his lips too.

“Ash’s and your accents,” Sykkuno said, because he felt empty and lightheaded. Maybe he’d float away if he closed his eyes.

“It’s hard to shake off,” Jack said. “D’you want to learn Irish, someday? I can teach you.”

He closed his eyes, and floated along the memories of Toast in his quiet nights studying for his finals. “Yeah,” he said. “That’ll be nice, Jack. Thank you.” He thought he fell asleep before he could hear Jack’s reply.

Toast’s call came a little bit late in the night. Jack slept on Sykkuno’s bed. They didn’t say anything about how Sykkuno was sleeping on Toast’s and wore his jacket with too much guilt inside his chest. He truly felt pathetic that he needed to do this in order to calm down.

“How are you feeling now?” Toast asked. He sounded exhausted. Sykkuno wanted to cut off the call and cried himself to sleep. “Don’t think too much. I’m alright; I’m tired because my cousins went over and I have to carry them around all day long.”

“Oh,” Sykkuno said. Toast always seemed to know what he was thinking. “I’m—I’m feeling a little better. I took my medicines, didn’t get into more episodes since this afternoon. Ash and Jack helped too.”

“That’s good,” Toast said. “Can you hold on a little longer? I’ll be back in less than two weeks.”

He didn’t know if he could. He truly didn’t. He had started crying before he realized that he was making pained noises. There was a gentle touch to his hand, and Sykkuno saw that Jack was sitting next to the bed, holding his hand. He opened his mouth to say something, but he shook his head, signaling for Sykkuno to continue the call. He gripped Jack’s hand tight, and said, “I don’t know, Toast.”

“Sykkuno,” Toast called, and he sounded like he was weary; like the proud, hardened lines of his shoulders were sagging into exhaustion. Sykkuno wanted to hold him tight and cry for him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, over and over again. “I’m so sorry, Toast. I- I know that you have a lot in- in- in y-your mind, and-and this isn’t—this isn’t your problem. But—but Toast, I—I— missed you. I missed you so mu-ch.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Toast said, and he sounded almost sad. He sounded so tired. Maybe he was tired of Sykkuno. “I missed you too. I’m sorry, I didn’t call because I’m swamped at the moment. My family is moving to a new house. I’ll take you here to visit next semester, maybe after our finals are over. My father is recovering, but I have to manage some properties we have to sell, and some that we’re turning into new business.”

He didn’t say anything as Toast explained, hanging onto his uncharacteristically gentle cadence and endearments. He had never called Sykkuno that, but it calmed down his sobs. He liked the sound of that from Toast’s tongue.

“Are you—“ he choked up a little, but he continued, “are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Toast repeated. Sykkuno felt stupid for asking again; he couldn’t help it. Toast had to do _so much_ , and here he was, consoling him instead of resting. “Take your medicines in moderation until you’re feeling alright on your own feet. And—call me, when you can’t handle it well. Sykkuno, I want you to call me if this happened again.”

“Okay,” he whispered, closing his eyes and breathing in, and out. In, and out. Jack stood up and signaled to the dispenser to get some water. “I’ll call. You- you should be resting, T-Toast.”

Jack came back with a glass of water, and carefully held it as he guided Sykkuno to take some sips. He was careful not to swallow too fast and risk choking on the water. Toast could probably hear it, because he took his time in answering.

He nodded when he had enough, and Jack put the glass on top of the study desk. Sykkuno would probably start worrying about the glass if he put it on top of the drawer. It could fall and shatter. They would have to clean and wipe it up, and he would be incessantly anxious about missing smaller shards of the glass.

“I’ll rest in a moment,” he said. “Do you think you’ll be able to get some sleep tonight?”

He contemplated it, and nodded, though Toast couldn’t see it. Jack was back on his bed already after he deemed that Sykkuno had calmed down enough. He would feel bad about it too if he weren’t so burned out.

“Yeah, I- I think I can try.”

“Good,” Toast replied. “I’d kiss you, but we have to wait a little bit for that.”

Sykkuno’s cheeks warmed up from that, as did his chest. “Yeah, I’d, uh, I’d like that, too.” He debated whether he should bring it up or not, but in the end, the words were out anyway. Maybe Toast calling him sweetheart had emboldened him. “I’m—I’m wearing your jacket.”

“Yeah?” the older man said, waiting for him to continue.

“It’s a little loose, but- but not too much,” he admitted. “I like the feeling of it. Like you’re here with me.”

“Well, you _are_ taller than me, Sykkuno,” he said, almost teasing. “You can use my clothes if you want.”

His eyes widened at that, bringing the sleeves of Toast’s jacket close to his mouth as if trying to bring him closer. “You mean that?”

“I do,” the answer was almost immediate. There was a sound, and then there were muffled voices, before Toast came back to the call. “I have to go. I’ll call again later when I have the time, okay? This should be done in four to six days. Wait for me.”

Sykkuno bit his lip, and said, “Can you call me that again?”

Toast was silent for a heartbeat. “You’re going to make me die from cringe,” he said.

“I know,” he said, smiling a little. It was… it really was nice to be able to listen to his voice again. “Can you?”

“Yes, I can Sykkuno, back off my case,” he grunted, but he heaved a deep sigh and said, “Wait for me, okay, sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” Sykkuno said, despite the apparent struggle in Toast’s voice. He didn’t sound mocking, though. If this meant a lot to him, then Toast wouldn’t mock him for that. “I will.”

“Alright, I really have to go. Get some sleep, I mean it. I’ll see you later.”

“See you later, Toast,” he said, and waited until Toast clicked off the red button.

He didn’t sleep until two in the morning, but he woke up without nightmares and felt less like he’d been hit by a truck and died, over and over again. He started to chip away on some assignments, and reread the notes Jack had brought as he explained some things Sykkuno couldn’t grasp immediately. Ash came over and brought Rae with her. She didn’t stay long, just enough to hug him tight and whispered some encouragements. Corpse missed him, she said, and wanted to come but decided to give him these puddings instead. They didn’t want to make him feel crowded, she said, and Sykkuno was thankful that she understood instead of launching into an interrogation.

He could count on his friends to catch him when he shattered. It was hard to remember this when he was on the lowest point, but he was grateful all the same that there were people who took his hands and guided him towards the place that Sykkuno knew he had worked so hard to reach. Less than two weeks, he thought to himself.

He would hold on; he'd promised Toast on that.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers: Sykkuno has tattoos and smokes as well. This is in no way romanticizing smoking. It's just part of the character.
> 
> I wrote the panic attacks based on my own experience, it may vary from person to person. I couldn't completely went into details because I don't normally write about it. I write what I want to read, and I avoid that topic in my writings beforehand because I'm not always emotionally stable to write it. I apologize if it offends you in any way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the explicit rating is for this chapter.

* * *

Toast was sleeping when Sykkuno returned to the dorm from his classes. He closed the door, and almost had a heart attack when he saw a familiar figure on the bed. He came back four days earlier than the estimated time. He dropped his bag, put his jacket on his chair, and slowly ambled to Toast’s bed. He wanted to kiss him, Sykkuno thought. But he must have been tired from the trip. He shouldn’t bother him yet.

“Why are you standing there like a dumbass?” Toast suddenly said, startling Sykkuno. It had only been a month, but it was too long already. “You gonna get in the bed or what?”

Sykkuno snapped out of his thoughts then, hastily stripping his jeans off and essentially slamming himself on Toast’s side. The older man groaned, but he turned sideways to pull Sykkuno close. He still smelled like the leather from car seats and that specific scent Sykkuno had associated with planes. He still took a lungful of him, fingers trembling as he traced a line on Toast’s jaw.

“You’re here,” he whispered. “You’re really here.”

Toast grabbed Sykkuno’s wandering hand and held it in his. “Well yeah, I told you I will, didn’t I? Ye of little faith.”

There were a million words Sykkuno wanted to say, but Toast opened his eyes and he felt everything faded into the mist. He missed those sharp eyes on him, missed his presence and his lips; his biting words that never lacked warmth, his brand of affection that had Sykkuno falling in slow descend. Always in controlled pace with Toast.

Sykkuno was closing his eyes when Toast leaned in to kiss him. He was holding his hand; he wouldn’t disappear just because he closed his eyes. It was like their first kiss all over again. Chaste, gentle. Sykkuno pressed closer just because he could, and Toast was coaxing him to open his mouth with his tongue. He briefly wondered if all of his friends knew now. With everything that happened, Sykkuno’s affection was painfully obvious even to naked eyes.

“Stop thinking too much,” Toast murmured before angling Sykkuno’s head to the side so he’d have better access to kiss Sykkuno until he was breathless. “Focus on me.”

Sykkuno put his hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat that drowned out the noises of the outside world and his worries. Toast pulled back after a while, Sykkuno chasing his lips with a small pout. He put a finger to his lips and said, “No, more sleeping, less kissing. I’m dead tired, and we still have the whole day to make out.”

“Alright,” he said, smiling as Toast took a hold of his waist and closed his eyes. He fell asleep not too long after, snoring lightly. Sykkuno took his time to re-memorize the slant of his eyes, his nose, his lips, the lines of his face. He had gone back to his therapist in the following days after his panic attacks, and felt a little clear in the head after spewing out all of his thoughts on the matter. It was the first time they were separated after a long while, his therapist said, but he still had to attend to it to prevent it from getting worse in the future. He had another session next week.

Right now, all he wanted was to fall asleep to the sound of Toast’s snores and breath, feeling his warm body next to his, his presence encompassing him like blankets warding off the cold of the winter.

* * *

Things more or less settled down after that. Toast told him the condition of his father, the business his family was planning, the ones he needed to take care of after his college, their new house near the beach. It was small, but his father spent most of his time in the hospital and Toast wasn’t even in the same country anyway. They would do with smaller, cozier space. The moving was an absolute nightmare to take care of, though, and Sykkuno understood that. He experienced the same thing when his family moved to Las Vegas.

They acted the same around their friends, but Toast would put his arm around Sykkuno’s shoulders sometimes, or let him have the last pizza slice, didn’t a say a thing when Sykkuno rummaged his wardrobe to wear his shirt to classes. Their friends followed the lead and it was a huge help in restoring the balance he had lost for a few moments. He could feel it, though—the questions in their eyes, the words on the tip of Rae’s tongue, the stare following Toast’s hand as he tucked a piece of hair behind Sykkuno’s ear while grumbling about his anime protagonist hairstyle.

“It’s like seeing a rom com with a tsundere as one of the heroine,” Ash commented one day when Toast was waiting in line at the fast-food joint they frequented. “You’ll be the main character, Sykkuno. You got the aesthetic down to a T.”

He thought about the cigarettes in his drawer; the tattoo on the back of his thigh, under the jut of his hip, between his second and third rib, on the span of his scapula; the hickeys Toast kept beneath his collar bones; the fact that Ash was aware of those and laughed along with Ludwig at her words. Maybe she was right, he was an anime protagonist—the edgy sort. He _did_ have a knife phase that put quite a dent on his saving; he had a whole collection of it, still remembered some of the tricks.

“What are you laughing about,” Toast said when he came back with a note of their orders.

“You’re the heroine of the rom com, Sykkuno’s the MC,” Corpse quipped from the other end of the table. He looked dead on his feet. Midterms hadn’t been kind to his already messed up sleeping schedule. Sykkuno gave him a consoling pat on the back and smiled when he leaned into it. Like a puppy, he thought fondly.

“Sykkuno is shit with one liner, how is he supposed to win my heart?” Toast replied gruffly, he didn’t say anything about Sykkuno’s hand staying on Corpse’s back. He was never worried about Sykkuno and Corpse. Things were clear between them, and they had never said they were exclusive anyway. Toast still teased him whenever Sykkuno got another phone numbers scrawled on papers and napkins, and Sykkuno waited patiently as girls invited Toast to lunches or dinners, asked his numbers or outrightly inviting him to their beds. Toast always went right back to him in less than ten minutes, top.

“He’s very pretty,” Ludwig said. “He’s also very good with his words. Very calming and stuffs. Don’t girls like that kind of thing?”

Toast put a hand on Sykkuno’s thigh, and he had difficulty breathing right all of the sudden. “Yeah well, it’s a good thing I’m not a girl. I won’t fall so easily for his pretty boy bullshit.”

It _was_ bullshit. For one, Sykkuno wasn’t even that pretty. Two, most of them didn’t know that Sykkuno pierced his tongue once, and was contemplating on another tattoo just under his collar bones. If it coincided with the place Toast went for the most with his bites, well—it wasn’t like Sykkuno had to tell them _that_.

“I agree,” he joined in, nodding seriously. Next to him, Toast gave him stinky eyes.

“ _Don’t_ agree with me,” he groused. “Go stutter and blush to contradict my statement.”

Ash sighed into her phone. “Tsunderes.”

“I agree,” Sykkuno sighed back, and savored the feeling of Toast’s hand tightening on his thighs like a tattoo he would like to keep forever.

* * *

Toast occasionally got the calls from his family to manage the business. On those days, he stayed in front of his laptop and called for several hours on end. Sykkuno did his own things and ordered food for them. Toast would kiss the tip of his fingers without looking up from the proposals and contracts he was reviewing. He looked good when he was serious, Sykkuno decided.

He had thought about it—his attraction to Toast. Where it began, when it blurred the lines between simple kisses to mutual acknowledgment of their relationship. Contrary to what he thought about being anxious of their relationship status, Sykkuno was content with what they had right now. It was… almost daring, but he believed that he wasn’t signing up for heartbreaks.

It could be that night when they went to the club, the focus in Toast’s eyes when he said he wanted to see Sykkuno looking like he was out to be pressed against the wall, fucked six days to Sunday. It could be the way he trusted Sykkuno to try handling himself in his own ways, nudging and helping only from the side and occasionally along the path with him. Toast wanted him to learn it by himself, so Sykkuno knew how to, so he could believe that he was able to. It could be that one time he closed the book he was staring at for hours on end, and wordlessly took him to bed. Sykkuno slept on the same bed with him that night, the first of many nights spent sharing the same breathing space. It could be Toast staying through a sudden panic attack on his birthday. It could also be the considerate, well-thought ways Toast catered to his needs while making sure that he wasn’t babying and risked regressing Sykkuno’s progress of independency. Sykkuno told him about his sessions with his therapist, and Toast said that he liked being with Sykkuno, but it was good that he could stand on his own feet even when Toast wasn’t physically present next to him.

It could be just Toast, everything of him. It was simple, to trust that his feelings didn’t need specific reason to run its course. That it was alright even if it was just Toast’s smile, or his sass, or his hugs, or his voice, or the way he said Sykkuno’s name. It felt like butterflies often times, but it also felt like the breeze on his smoking nights. It was always there, it was constant and grounding and Sykkuno liked that.

He had never considered himself one for open relationships like this, but he guessed there was first time for everything. He tried to consider other people, and had asked Toast whether he was interested in someone else. Sykkuno was too nervous and afraid of contacts aside from his circle, even if he was getting better. But he didn’t think he would want to date anyone who flirted with him, didn’t have crushes for so long aside from Toast anyway. Toast simply said he was too busy with college, family matters, and Sykkuno. He had chosen carefully of things he wanted in his life, so Sykkuno could put aside the possibility that Toast considered him a burden.

“Wouldn’t even last two days if I did,” Toast said. “You’ll know when I want something and when I don’t.”

That made him felt good, too. Aside from the kisses and the occasional daring touches, Toast’s assured words made Sykkuno felt safe. He wanted to make Toast feel safe, too, by pushing through and continuing his progress. He wanted Toast to believe in his confidence and decisions. No running in circles, no hesitation at every turn. He was trying and it was slow, but the progress was there. Sykkuno was proud of himself even without having to tilt his head and ask for a kiss.

He went to the club sometimes, and wore his usual clothes because he didn’t need to look for people to flirt with. Corpse hadn’t stopped with the flirting, though Sykkuno understood that it was more of habit and familiarity than anything else. In a way, it helped with his reactions to compliments and flirtations. It built a resistance for Corpse’s voice, too. Seven times out of ten, when he used the impossibly low voice, so intentionally close, dripping with heat as he said things Sykkuno would blush and stutter at two semesters ago, he could withstand it. The rest of the time, he just simply admitted to himself that Corpse was attractive. He just wasn’t attracted to him, that was all. He was more attracted to flat tones and snippy words, as it turned out.

Toast still sat next to him as Corpse and Sykkuno flirted at the bar, occasionally laughing and pitching in the conversation as he watched for his friends on the dance floor. It was nice to have his hand warm and steady on Sykkuno’s back throughout the night. Sometimes he danced, and would look like he was spasming instead, but he learned to have fun. Michael and Lily sandwiched him on the dance floor and taught him some moves. Toast crowded him against the door when they got back, and Sykkuno found out the gym sessions had finally came to fruition when Toast lifted him by the thighs and carried him to the bed almost effortlessly.

“Are you hungry?” Sykkuno mouthed at Toast as he talked about making some deals with several sponsors. Toast looked down and shook his head.

He had just finished his two months research, and he felt incredibly happy and tired. So he didn’t think about it when he sat next to Toast’s chair and laid his head on his lap. The floor was cold but Sykkuno didn’t mind. Toast carded his fingers through his hair, occasionally caressing the back of his ear as he continued his ordeal. They could go out to eat later, or make something in the communal kitchen.

When he came to, Toast was shaking his arm and his legs felt numb. He whined when the older man tried to get him up. “Carry me,” he said instead.

Toast sighed and called him a needy princess, but picked him up nonetheless. Sykkuno wanted to hit the gym too so he could carry Toast in return, but he also wanted to sleep and maybe start saving to buy new carpets for their dorm. It was hell for his legs but kneeling at Toast’s feet didn’t feel as weird as he thought. At least it wouldn’t be cold if they had carpets.

“Do you want to nap first, or do you want to eat?” Toast asked.

Sykkuno mumbled something intelligible and reached blindly for him. Toast took his hand and sat on the bed. He thought maybe he said eat, because he was hungry. But then a warm body settled next to him and Sykkuno burrowed into it and slept. He was tired from research and classes. He had less course loads this semester, but the amount of research he had to do was making his head spin. He loved his numbers but if he had to analyze another report, he would start screaming.

When he woke up, Toast was already awake and was scrolling through his phone. Sykkuno took the time to let sleep fade away, watching his profile from lashes thick with contentment.

“You’re looking at my nostrils, aren’t you?” Toast said, hand patting his hair without pause.

“Mhm,” he mumbled. “Very nice looking nostrils.”

Toast pulled back from his phone and laughed. “What the fuck, Sykkuno.”

He liked Toast’s laugh. He liked making him laugh and see the crinkles on the corners of his eyes. “I like being here with you,” he suddenly said, but didn’t take the words back when Toast’s focus shifted to him. “You make me happy.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, and pulled Sykkuno upright, flexing his upper-arm strength. “You’re pretty good at making me happy, too.”

He smiled. It was nice to hear that kind of admission once in a while. “Yeah? Can I get a kiss for that?”

“Only because you asked nicely,” he teased him, and gave a firm, short kiss on his lips.

“I always ask nicely to you,” he whispered after their lips separated.

Toast nodded, and coaxed Sykkuno to leave the warm embrace of the bed. “I’m aware. We’re eating out. Come on, we can even make it a date before we inevitably met our friends.”

He sulked at that. He liked the alone time he and Toast had when they went out to eat somewhere around the campus ground. Toast fed him food, and Sykkuno told him corny jokes. But this was a small area; they _always_ met one of their friends.

“I’m pretty sure Karl lives in the fast-food joints,” he said. “He’s always there.”

“He won’t deny if you said that. Actually, he won’t deny you anything—he’s hopelessly whipped.” Toast turned on the engine of his car, and Sykkuno leaned back on the seat.

He felt bad about Karl’s very obvious crush on him, but he had to admit that the kid was endearing. He was a computer major, three years younger than Sykkuno and would follow him everywhere when they happened to be in the same place together. He knew that it wasn’t something serious, more of a hero worship if anything. But he still felt bad when he had to let him down. Sykkuno didn’t want to let his fear of hurting Karl worsen the situation. _Don’t beat around the bush_ , he remembered Toast said. So when Karl nervously invited him for a lunch on the weekend, he rejected the offer with an apologetic smile and a hug. He was a good kid, Sykkuno was sure he would find someone who would fit his edges better than Sykkuno could.

“Maybe you should kiss me next time,” he suggested, drumming his finger on his thigh. It wasn’t a joke. “They’ll leave us alone even if they saw us, and you can dip your fries in ice cream and feed it to me again.”

“Is that a diss I heard about my ice cream fries?” Toast replied, and Sykkuno laughed. “Maybe we could.”

Sykkuno gulped, suddenly finding it hard to look at Toast. “Y-yeah?”

“Yeah,” Toast affirmed. “But maybe later. When you’re more assured and less sleepy.”

He was right. Sykkuno didn’t want it right now. He didn’t think he could handle the stress of his friends’ questions and probing, even if they meant well and just did what friends did—meddle with their friends’ love life and teased them to hell and back about it, as well as giving supports. He knew that not all friends were like that, but he was grateful that his were.

“Can I get a kiss when I’m still sleepy and not ready to face the inevitable encounter, at least?” he tried, waggling his eyebrows ridiculously.

Toast shook his head, but he was smiling. “Stop turning our friends into pokemons.”

“A wild Rae has appeared!” Sykkuno exclaimed.

Toast kissed him for a good minute in the parking lot, and they met Edison later on. He said nothing about one of Sykkuno’s legs on top of Toast’s. He asked them about their week, and called the others to join later. They ended up spending nearly four hours eating and chatting. It was good catching up with his friends. It was also good to know that Toast wasn’t dismissive about their relationship, and was willing to take his input into future consideration.

It didn’t have to be so dramatic or deep. It could be an unexpected fall with controlled pace, maybe a little impulsive and exhilarating, but it was good.

Yeah, he thought as he pushed his fries for Toast to finish. They were good.

* * *

Toast was tapping his shoes impatiently as Sykkuno sifted through his clothes. Rae invited him to a club again tonight. He figured he’d go to de-stress from all the studying for the upcoming final weeks. He really didn’t have any club attire aside from the ones Toast bought him, though. After looking through his pitiful state of wardrobe, he shook his head and looked at Toast with pleading eyes.

Toast nearly snapped at him. “Why didn’t you decide earlier, you dolt,” he bit, and Sykkuno flinched from the intensity of it. It had been too long since he had this side of Toast.

Instead of leaving his sorry ass on the dorm room alone, however, Toast called Rae and said, “We’re not going. Sykkuno doesn’t feel good. I’m staying so he doesn’t fall off the bed or something.”

He listened to Rae for a few moments, before hanging up. Sykkuno looked at him with his mouth agape. Toast took off his jacket and placed a palm on his lips. “Stop doing that, I want to kiss you every time you open your stupidly pretty mouth.”

That was new, Toast complimenting him. Though backhanded as it was, it still made Sykkuno pretty happy. He waited patiently for Toast to change back into his comfortable clothes, his hair still gelled and slick.

“Wanna… wanna watch something?” he offered hesitantly.

Toast shook his head. “No, I’m not focused enough. I have a two-four in the fridge. We can just drink and, fuck knows, talk some shit out. We _do_ need to sort out some things, don’t we, sweetheart?”

Sykkuno stammered and blushed from the return of the endearments, and hurriedly went to take the cans of beer from their mini fridge. He took his cigarettes too, as an afterthought. Toast seemed pretty serious despite his teasings. He’d need that to focus.

Toast glanced at his cigs and lighter, and leaned back on his seat near the window sill. “Relax,” he said. “You only need two at most.”

He didn’t believe a word Toast said, but he nodded still. He had a feeling it had something to do with Rae finally letting out some concealed inquiries about the nature of Toast’s and Sykkuno’s relationship. He dragged his chair from the study desk, and put it near Toast’s. He had already opened his windows, so Sykkuno cracked open one of the beer and handed it to Toast, taking out his cigarette next.

“Is it Rae?” he started first.

Toast took a swig from his can, and nodded. “Yeah, she cornered me this morning. Asked all sorts of questions. Corpse did too. Lud is actually pretty chill about this. Aside from Ash and Jack, but they don’t count.”

He nodded, opened a can for himself too. “What did you say, Toast?”

The older man grinned at that, like he was thinking about something incredibly funny. He threw Sykkuno a coy grin, the set of his shoulders easy and lax. Sykkuno grinned back at him and let their arms touch.

“Told them to mind their motherfucking business,” he said, and took another gulp.

Huh. That… that was actually quite different than what he thought. He didn’t think Toast would deflect the questions instead of answering straight away. “I’ve finally rubbed off on you!” he said excitedly.

Toast rolled his eyes. “Maybe so. Wasn’t without reason. Which is why, we have to talk, Sykkuno.”

He pulled back his cigarette and exhaled the smoke out in the open air. It dispersed quickly, leaving only the faint scent of coffee and the acrid taste of nicotine on his throat. “Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

“First,” Toast said, “you wanna go to my family’s house after finals?”

The question took him off guard. He did remember vaguely Toast saying something about it when he called from Canada. He thought about telling his parents that he wouldn’t be going back to Las Vegas this summer, thought about sitting next to Toast on the plane; spend the majority of their break together. He thought about meeting the family Toast grew up with, and the house near the beach. He thought he’d miss Bimbus, but maybe he could squeeze in a week to Vegas. Maybe Toast would even come along.

He shyly nodded his head at the offer. “Um, yeah, if it’s okay with you?”

Toast smiled, gently this time. No teasing or mirth in his eyes. “Why else would I offer if I’m not okay with it?”

“Oh, r-right,” he laughed, and took another inhale of his cigarette. He offered some to Toast, but he lifted his can of beer and shook his head no.

“That’s the hard part down, I think,” Toast muttered. He still looked at Sykkuno with the same serious eyes. “You like me,” he said, “enough to miss me and stay instead of off with some other dudes or girls that can offer you better things.”

He had always admired Toast’s way of cutting straight to the chase. He nodded, stubbing the filter on the ashtray they kept near the window. It really was a wonder why his friends hadn’t notice it. But then again, he didn’t need to wait until they found out. He really should cut down his intake further. Two packages per month instead of four. If he kept that up maybe he could be down to only some cigarettes every once in a while. He had tried the route of stopping completely; didn’t work out well. He stopped for nearly a year, before the urge came back with vengeance the next time around. He was painfully aware of what it did to his body; it was still harder said than done to actually curb the habit.

“I don’t want what they offer, though,” he said. He decided not to take another cigarette just yet. “I like what you have, what we have since the start.”

“Would it be enough on the long run?” Toast asked.

He mulled it over. What they had was more than Sykkuno could ever hope for. But he had to admit that he _did_ want to be able to hold Toast’s hand out in the public, and wasn’t afraid of confirming his feelings. Even if they crashed and burned, he still wanted the chance to be reassured that Toast wanted him back too.

“No,” he admitted. “But I still—I still would like it to be you.”

The man nodded. “Yeah, I can see that. What do you need from me, Sykkuno? I sure as hell don’t want to hear pet-names or cuddling in the answer. I do those already on daily basis. Give me some new information I can work with.”

“Well,” Sykkuno piped up, “not with the pet-names, no. It’s like, once in a blue moon.”

Toast sighed and put down his empty can. He reached for the second. “Do you want me to call you endearments day in and day out?”

“Uh…” No, actually. He thought he couldn’t handle that kind of thing too well, and he didn’t want to overuse it to the point of moot. “Maybe only occasionally.”

“Doable,” Toast conceded. “What else?”

“I want to know for certain about your feelings, so I won’t have the time to second-guess myself, or have doubts about our relationship. I need to know if you want me because you actually think about it, or just because we have been involved for a long time,” he answered truthfully. It seemed that all the efforts Toast had given on cutting through his habit of going around in circles had finally worked out.

“Sykkuno we’ve been kissing each other since the second semester and we hadn’t had sex even once. It’s not even enough to imply for your second statement,” he deadpanned. “I like you. That, you can put your faith in. Enough to keep letting you get what you want, enough to worry about you when we’re apart, enough to invite you to my family’s house. You’re pretty hard to manage once you’re unhinged, but I like that part too. You’re really entertaining when you offhandedly say scandalous things.”

Sykkuno startled himself when he suddenly laugh, remembering that particular conversation with his in-game friend. Something about beating people up for fun in the pvp zone. There were a lot that Toast probably can say about liking him, but Sykkuno understood what he said pretty well. Toast was good in his speech, but there were times when he stumbled. He had never claimed he was perfect, and he was by no means a sap for romance. He thought that they both weren’t cut out for that.

“Enough to have a relationship with me?” he pushed, smiling when Toast glared at him.

“Will you be patience for once, my God,” he snapped, though the effect was lessened with the way his eyes softened. “I was about to ask you to go out with me, now you ruined it.”

“Oh, no,” Sykkuno sighed, finally reaching for his second cigarette. “What should we do, Toast?”

“Maybe we can shut the fuck up and listen before I regret this and sleep instead,” he said, and Sykkuno pouted at him. “Stop with the pouts, you’re distracting me.”

That was pretty new, the whole Toast being more open about what he thought of Sykkuno on the fly. He liked this development. “Alright,” he said, lifting his hands up, “I surrender. Can we continue to the part where you confess your undying love to me?”

“I’m neither Corpse nor Ludwig, you’re out of luck if you’re looking for that,” Toast told him. But he put down his can of beer, and Sykkuno followed by putting his newly lit cigs on the ashtray. “Sykkuno,” he said gently, voice merely above a whisper. Sykkuno waited with bated breath, before a sly smile formed slowly on Toast’s lips. “Imagine how much heartbreak that will ensue if we start banging.”

Sykkuno couldn’t help the grin reappearing on his face. “We totally should, for science.”

Toast laughed along, and Sykkuno was glad that he was allowed to have this. This easy air that Toast always had, taking him along with the ride and made him feel grounded enough to understand the banter, the underlying meaning of the teasings. He had likened his attraction to Toast as detachment on its early developing stage. It wasn’t exactly detachment as it was the fundamentally familiar flow where Sykkuno didn’t have to be aware of it all the time to breathe it in.

“Do you want to go out with me?” Toast then asked, and Sykkuno, feeling brave enough to initiate, to let happiness ran through his vein without fear, leaned in and pecked him on the lips.

“I would love to,” he said against the slightly chapped lips.

The smile on Toast’s face wasn’t the most beautiful Sykkuno had seen, but it was enough for Sykkuno. Everything about Toast was enough for him and his hopeless heart.

“Great. Now that it’s clear, we can finally make out when we’re hanging out with the others,” he said with all the seriousness of someone in dire situation.

“You’re a horrible friend, Toast,” Sykkuno nodded to himself. He pressed down the filter on the ashtray and thought that Toast was right. He only needed two cigarettes for this talk. “What did Corpse say to you?”

“Oh, he said he’s very much capable of sweeping the MC as the new love interest if it doesn’t work out with the tsundere heroine,” he said. “What a weeb.”

Sykkuno lifted his eyebrow, though he was pulling at Toast’s hand already. “So you’re admitting that you’re a tsundere?”

“I admit nothing,” Toast said, putting down his can and following Sykkuno to their bed. “Is this the part where you show me your wild side in sex beneath all the shy smiles and floppy anime hair?”

Sykkuno faltered. “Uh… I don’t know about wild, but I can ride you?”

Toast groaned and pulled Sykkuno on top of him. “Jesus fuck, Sykkuno, warn a man next time.”

“I’m pretty flexible,” he informed, already pulling off his shirt and rocking back against Toast’s hip in languid movement. Toast pulled him down for a filthy kiss that made him shudder and hot all over. They had kissed like this before, but the knowledge that Toast would follow through this time made him nearly breathless with want. Sykkuno was still that guy who fumbled when people flirt with him, but he wasn’t completely innocent about this. He had had his fair share of teenage years full of hormones and misplaced curiosities.

“And?” Toast goaded, licking a line from his jaw down to his throat. He was going to leave a mark there, Sykkuno thought with a moan behind his lips, where everyone could see this time around.

“And,” he stuttered when Toast started sucking on the skin, sinking his teeth and soothing the sting with his tongue. “And—I can hold my legs all the way to my shoulders. You can see the tattoo on the back of my thigh while you fuck into me.”

Toast reached for drawers and fished out a bottle of lube, a string of condoms. “You,” he said while kissing a line from Sykkuno’s collar bones to the tattoo on his rib, “should come with a warning.”

Sykkuno fingered himself as Toast stripped off his jeans. He closed his eyes and bit his lips when Toast gently nudged him out and replaced them with his fingers. He touched all of Sykkuno’s tattoos, stifled a moan when Sykkuno sucked a mark on his shoulder and bit it when Toast jabbed his fingers hard inside. He had thought of this numerous times, in different variations and outcome. Right now, it felt both overwhelming and welcomed simultaneously.

Sykkuno put his hands on Toast’s shoulders and rode him hard on the get go, slowing down when he felt the build of his release, and picked up his pace again until Toast was gasping against his neck. He was sure their neighbors knew exactly what was happening inside their room, but he couldn’t really care when Toast thrust up at the same time Sykkuno bore down on him. He let go of Toast’s shoulder and sneaked a hand down to jerk himself off.

“Shit, Sykkuno,” Toast breathed out on his ears. “You’re fucking loud.”

He knew. He was aware of his moans and cries echoing in the room as he bounced on Toast’s lap. Maybe he liked it when Toast whispered filthy things to him, maybe he liked the way Toast gripped his hip a little too tight; maybe he liked when Toast looked at him with something so close to adoration in his heated eyes. He wanted to confess every thought and affection straight to Toast’s lungs and stayed in the cradle of his ribs for a long time.

“Yeah?” he panted, legs burning from the hard pace he set. “You like it?”

“I fucking love it when you’re confident and wild,” he grinned, dangerous and hot and Sykkuno grunted when he pushed him back on the mattress. He pulled out long enough to take both of Sykkuno's legs and stretched them until his knees hit his shoulders. “ _Fuck_ ,” he said, almost laughing. Sykkuno’s own laugh trailed into a long moan when his cock pushed back inside.

When Toast bent down to suck on the skin around the crescent moon tattoo, Sykkuno let out a loud, drawn out scream as he came. He took a minute to ride the high of his climax, before pulling Toast down and wrapping his legs around his waist, holding him close as he came into the condom just a moment later.

“Is that—“ he stuttered out, still breathless from the sex. “Is that wild enough?”

Toast froze, and then started wheezing out laughter into the crook of his sweaty neck. “You’re unbelievable.”

Toast cleaned him up with touches so gentle that Sykkuno couldn’t help the touch to his lips, saying, “I like you a lot,” and smiled when Toast kissed his fingers. They moved to Sykkuno’s bed. The sheets on Toast’s bed were set aside for laundry. He was still sensitive but Toast’s shirt felt nice on his skin. They still smelled like sweat and sex, but he was happy, exhilarated from the turn of the event that might not be as surprising in retrospect.

“I like you too,” Toast said when Sykkuno’s eyes started to fall shut.

“I know,” he said, and was content in the certainty of it.

* * *

It was almost funny how Rae didn’t have the time to bombard both Sykkuno and Toast with questions before they were swept up with finals. He still laughed at the memory of her eyes bulging out as she took in the hickeys on his neck, the light bruises on his hip whenever his shirt rode up. Toast showed up with tired eyes and something about bitchy lecturer. He sat down next to Sykkuno and kissed his neck as a greeting. It was enough to spur Poki into manic interrogations, but the librarian went around the corner and glared at them.

“We _will_ talk about this, Sykkuno,” Rae promised, and it definitely sounded like a threat. She turned to Toast and Sykkuno felt the wince on his face. “Don’t think you’re off the hook either.”

Corpse high-fived him and Ludwig said, “So, I take it I don’t have to introduce my guy friends?”

Toast let Sykkuno’s leg draped over his and turned to Ludwig with a saccharine-sweet smile. “No.”

Jack congratulated them both with teasings about their early days, and Ash beat him on Mario kart twice in a row before humming low in her throat and said, “So, when are you going to tell the others about your tattoos?”

Corpse, expectedly, was the most excited out of everyone. As Rae shrieked, “ _Sykkuno_?!”, he waddled over to him and asked, “Do you reckon Toast will punch me if I asked for a picture of your tattoo. I can take him in a fight.”

He laughed and shyly lifted his shirt high enough for them to see the one on his rib. Corpse launched into his own interrogation, and Toast fueled him by saying that Sykkuno had a _very_ interesting and questionable one just below his hip. “I can definitely take Toast in a fight. We can elope and you can show me where you got those sick-ass babies.”

He fell into the same routine of studying, actually dying, assignments, research, and stressing finals. The questions died down after a while. Rae was thoroughly betrayed that she didn’t know about the tattoos, but none of the others knew either. Ash and Jack knew just because they were the ones taking care of Sykkuno a few months prior. Even Toast found out only when they started to be bold with their touches.

“Chill,” Toast drawled out. “It’s Sykkuno. Just because he’s more open to teasings and can say ten sentences without stuttering, doesn’t mean he’ll suddenly flaunt every single part of him.”

Rae understood that, but she still got back at Toast by telling him about Sykkuno’s knife phase. Toast hounded him down for pictures, and Corpse tagged along. He had a collection of his own, to absolutely no one’s surprise. “They’re pretty cool, Corpse,” Sykkuno said, and suggested some brands that he liked in the past.

At the end of the semester, Sykkuno was happy enough despite feeling like his body would integrate to dust soon. Seventh semester was absolutely grueling. He didn’t want to see what the final semester would look like. Toast had finished one of the contracts, and would oversee the business himself when they went to Canada next week.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” he said after Sykkuno kissed him softly. “You still up for a trip to Canada?”

“I’m dying,” he whined, enjoying the endearment. “Yeah. I already told my parents about it.”

They were surprised. Not because Sykkuno was dating a guy, but because it has progressed to the point of visiting families. They wanted to meet Toast in person, they said. They had known of Toast, they just weren’t aware that the both of were in a relationship. He just laughed and stammered out, “Uh, s-surprise?” because he didn’t know how to explain the exact state of their relationship at the start.

Toast said, his father was a little upset that Toast wasn’t very forward about this. They could visit him on the hospital. His mother teased him endlessly about her friends complaining about how Toast wouldn’t be married off to their daughters. He shrugged and said, “They don’t have a dick,” and Sykkuno couldn’t help laughing until he was breathless when Toast retold the story.

(What Toast said to his mother was, “They’re not Sykkuno.” But he didn’t find out until later.)

Sykkuno wasn’t naïve enough to hope for a happy ending. There were still multiple issues that wouldn’t be solved just because Toast and he got together. But then again, he wasn’t hoping for one. He liked Toast, since the start of everything. They discovered a lot and more now, but Sykkuno had always been content in the simplicity of their feelings.

Clear and wasn’t too loud, but it was there nonetheless. In the beat of their hearts, in the softness of Toast’s voice right when he was about to fall asleep, in the sincerity of Sykkuno’s words each time Toast asked him questions. Maybe, it _was_ as dramatic, as deep as missing someone to the point of pain, or giving chances for uncertain future, or putting his heart out for Toast to keep and keeping Toast’s heart in the protective cradle of his feelings and trust. It was as impulsive as a kiss for dressing up nice, for certain words and actions; as exhilarating as falling in the controlled speed, knowing they would land safely regardless of where they were going to head afterwards.

Maybe it would crash and burn. Maybe it would snuff out as quietly as a candle. But Sykkuno put his hand in Toast's, and held tight and felt like this was okay. This was enough, had always been. Like the sliver of sun after the winter—muted, apparent.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We only have 14 toastkkuno fic in ao3?????? We need to rectify this atrocity. Hope you enjoyed the read, maybe leave some kudos and comments :D Have a nice day ahead and don't forget to drink lots of water!


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